Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Torch Burns

Or the sun, rather. The sun is shining directly into my eyes and I am displeased. But I do like sunshine. Happy bright shiny funshine.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about perfectionism, mine. I am an INSANE perfectionist. I also like to do things by myself, probably because that way I can control the little tiny details. I am incredibly detail-oriented. That's probably why I do very tiny, precise artwork like beaded flowers and small sketches. Which, by the way, because I like to whore out my artwork:

And my God, if one of those beads looks slightly out of place, I will rewrap and restring until it's right. Occasionally you get a seed bead whose hole is off-center, so the glass sticks out strangely. Yeah, I am very careful to weed those out. In my beadwork, each millimeter is significant. Literally. I measure in millimeters. I've always measured in millimeters. When I was 11 years old and obsessed with doing detailed drawings of the Titanic, I would sit down every day with pencils, erasers, a metric ruler, a protractor, and a compass. Not even kidding. I wish I still had some of those drawings.

There's a group of guys here in Barnes Lounge playing Dungeons & Dragons and talking about how bad their spatial awareness is. My kind of people! I miss being a nerd and having nerdy friends. I've suppressed that part of me for a long, long time. I never really liked D&D, actually, but I'm a huge internet geek and I love history and science and anything that involves lots of information to memorize. I have Asperger's Disorder. I have a form of autism. I can't deny that. I like to memorize things and rock back and forth and follow a routine and obsess over details and flail when I'm excited...but then, on the other hand, I can't communicate when I'm upset and my senses get overwhelmed very easily and I freak out when my routine is disturbed and I have terrible coordination and I have to rely on scripts in social situations and if there isn't a script my mind is just yeah. It's a disability in some ways. I'm disabled in some ways. I hate that. I hate it, but such is life. I am my own advocate. I have remarkable coping skills.

WHY did I start writing all that?

On an entirely different note...

I'm going to see the Vagina Monologues tonight. Yay? I saw it a few years ago and was...underwhelmed. Weirded out, even. Like, come on, vaginas aren't that special. They're part of the female body. Wooo. I don't buy all the hippy-dippy feminist "women are magical goddesses" bullshit.

Honestly, when I hear the Vagina Monologues, I feel like a man in the audience.

Gender is stupid.

Not really. It just confuses me too much.

I seriously think I have too much testosterone.

I like precision and rules and doing things by myself just to prove that I can.

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