Sunday, February 21, 2010

Moments of Awesome

I've been feeling a little less than thrilled with life lately, so I've decided to compile a list of awesome things I've done over the past 23 years, 2 months, and 11 days.

Won $50 for a bulletin board
Played "abortion" on a triple word score
Spelled "antidisestablishmentarianism" aloud in under 5 seconds...when I was 8
Taught myself (and Laurel) to make French beaded flowers
Amassed a bigger vocabulary than Firefox, apparently, since it doesn't recognize "antidisestablishmentarianism"
Sang in French for an audience and a panel of judges...and got first place
Made a great "that's what she said" joke on Christmas
Named a set of stuffed animals Fall, Down, The, and Stairs
Wrote a book...when I was 15
Pissed off my entire 8th grade class by drawing eyeballs impaled on swords
Enjoyed "Crime and Punishment"
Made a Dante's "Inferno" scrapbook
Played the violin at Magic Kingdom
Went to Vegas for Easter
Spent 4th grade catapulting stuffed animals across the classroom
Sat through every Internet shock video I know of (without vomiting!)
Delivered a calm, calculated smackdown to the mouthbreathers at over the "OMGZ THEY TOOKED TEH PRAYER OUTTA MY NOOSPAPER!" kerfuffle
Stood up for gay rights IN CHURCH when I was 14
Taught a PhD student the difference between reliability and validity
Painted a nativity scene on a sugar cookie
Was the only girl ever from my high school to make the Brain Game team (BG team is composed of the best varsity Quiz Bowlers, so...big deal)
Treated a severe burn with Orange Crush (not recommended)
Bought fluorescent pink shoelaces because, fuck, why not?
Busted my own lip while sleeping
Cited 4chan in at least two graduate-level classes
Ordered stuff online and had it addressed to Doomhammer Javelin
Asked my mom how people are made...when I was FOUR
Sang "Baby's First Christmas" to a kitten
Wrote the most disgusting paragraph ever written

Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and write that paragraph here, because it's awesome. Quit reading if you have just eaten, are currently eating, or plan to eat...well, ever again.

As he thrusted his snout into her weeping, crusty anus, the stench overpowered his senses and nearly made his tear ducts curdle. "Quick!" he shouted to the priest. "Fetch me a shovel and a dishcloth!" The command distracted Father Earl from the picking of his pus-filled scabs, and he waddled out of the port-o-john as fast as his little stumps would carry him.

Eh, it could be improved, but I'm gonna call it a success.

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